The August webinar from the USCCB dealt with one of the most difficult topics to talk about, yet one in dire need of address due to the widespread damage it has caused to both the church and society as a whole: that is, pornography addiction, specifically within the context of marriage and Natural Family Planning. Guest speaker Amanda Zurface led the presentation, drawing from her past work with Covenant Eyes, a Christian organization that has helped more than 1.7 million people become free of pornography since its inception nearly 25 years ago.
Sex Addiction is a Dark Place
Although pornography has become increasingly and disturbingly normalized in social media and entertainment, and it’s reported that 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women consume porn at least once per month, it’s important to understand that pornography and associated acts of self-gratification are sins and absolutely not okay: they cause real physical, emotional, and spiritual harm to all.
First, they cause harm to the individual: the porn/masturbation/dopamine reward cycle is very difficult to break, as it functions in the body exactly like a drug addiction -- except the drug is a chemical that’s produced in the person’s brain. In some ways this makes it even more dangerous, as the barrier to entry is so low: unlike addiction to alcohol, street drugs, or gambling, a sex addiction can be indulged in for free and without leaving the house. It can also be easier to hide than other kinds of addictions, as the signs and effects are more subtle – yet no less deleterious.
As with any other addiction, the individual often knows he or she has a problem, but feels unable to control it, and engages in it compulsively and secretively, leading to isolation in one’s own double-life and carrying burdens of guilt and shame. Additionally, a porn and masturbation addiction in men can lead to impotence and decreased interest in sexual intercourse and feelings of satisfaction. This can be a red flag to a wife that something is off with her husband.
Discovering a porn addiction in a spouse can be devastating. Spouses report feeling feelings of betrayal, mistrust, loneliness, and degradation at requests for porn acts. The unifying act of making love, becoming one in body and spirit, is reduced to objectification and consumption of the body and the single-minded pursuit of self-gratification. This totally undermines the meaning of marriage and the vital aspects of marital life, including love, trust, unity, and communication. People who use porn are more likely to have an affair, and porn addiction is a major factor in over half of divorces -- with major consequences to the family and society from there.
Pornography also creates a distorted view of the human body, so that instead of seeing human beings as made in the image of God, the sexual characteristics of the body are over-emphasized, often with surgery, cosmetics and software. Real women’s bodies can vary widely from those modeled in porn, yet women are comparing themselves unfavorably to those on the screen and suffering a lowered sense of self-worth, and men are increasingly expecting women to present themselves as re-made in this image.
The women who feature in porn productions also suffer, as the $97 billion per year industry is exploitative of its actors, especially women – despite all their glamorization, the high suicide rate among these women is perhaps the most telling of all.
Overcoming Obstacles to Seeking Help
Individually and collectively, we have to choose between porn and the destruction that follows, or a healthy mind, body, spirit, marriage, family and society. The right choice is obvious, but there are still many things that can hold people back from making it. In addition to being caught in the grip of the chemical reward cycle, there is:
• Embarrassment to be seen in church requesting help or information
• Some couples accept or try to justify use of porn
• The false belief that what’s done in private is one’s own business – but nothing is hidden from God.
“For if you live according to your human nature, you are going to die; but if by the Spirit you put to death your sinful actions, you will live.” (Romans 8:13)
It is imperative that we bring the sins of pornography and sex addiction to the foot of the cross, where Jesus Christ has already conquered them; He took the punishment for our sins so that we can be free.
Role of Parish Leaders
Leaders are responsible for bringing people closer to God and increasing the presence of God’s light in the world. To that end, when helping people who are struggling with pornography and sex addiction, leaders must proclaim the truth of God’s love and His mercy and healing in forgiveness. No matter how trapped someone may feel by their sin, they can be free because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. No matter how dirty someone may feel, they can be cleansed by His blood. There is real hope for new life for all who choose Jesus Christ.
Likewise, denounce spirits of discouragement, shame and fear. One of Satan’s tactics is to hold guilt against us, to make us believe that we have been so bad that God could not possibly want us. And yet, the truth is that God wants us so much, he sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for us, to buy us back from Satan. The debt for our sins has been paid! We are forgiven! And if God can forgive us, then we can certainly forgive ourselves and each other. Remember: even those who have committed sins of pornography and sex addiction are still beloved sons and daughters of God the Father.
From this space, leaders can build trust and understanding by being active, compassionate listeners who help to overcome the embarrassment of stepping forward and seeking help. Church leaders should also encourage participation in the sacraments, especially confession and marriage, and be a model for them where applicable. Live the true meaning of marital love and lead by your example. There are also many options for prayer, counseling, retreats, spiritual guidance, and support/accountability groups given in the resources at end of this article.
Role of Natural Family Planning Educators
Pornography and masturbation pose unique challenges to Natural Family Planning (NFP) ministries because their usage pushes out the purpose and practice of NFP. Educators can help restore understanding and use of NFP by increasing awareness of the true meaning of sexuality and NFP beyond just fertility and charting: that is, to emphasize God’s intention for the sexual act to be 1) unitive and 2) procreative. Obviously, porn and masturbation, being activities that are mostly done by a person alone, are not ordered toward exclusive unity with a spouse or the creation of new life.
Natural Family Planning emphasizes the dignity of the human person, including the man and woman who are joined in matrimony and any children who are created from their union. There is an understanding that children are a blessing from God and created in the image of God. There is an acceptance of a time for all things, including a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
This is the chastity of marital love; it means saying “yes” to a deeper, truer, and more fulfilling love, aligned with God’s will, and cultivating the discipline to say “no” to on-demand pornography and masturbation, which cheapens sex and the human body and weakens the marital bond.
Protecting Children from Pornography
Shocking and sad as it is, most of the porn addictions that affect marriages today do not start during marriage, but are carried into marriage from childhood or adolescence, when one or both spouses were first exposed. It’s estimated that 90% of men and 60% of women are exposed to porn by age 18, with age 11 being the average age of first exposure.
This means that not only do children need to be protected from a porn addiction destroying their parents’ marriage and home, but they also need to be protected from exposure and developing an addiction themselves. Vigilantly.
Parents have a few important jobs here: closely monitor and restrict their child’s technology usage, including access to phones, tablets, social media, movies/TV and internet browsers. They should also discuss technology rules with the parents of their child’s friends, making sure everyone is on the same page -- because if their friends’ parents’ rules are lax, it’s a potential gateway to exposure.
It’s also a best practice for parents to educate on the calling and sacrament of marriage, to lead as models of marriage and to have healthy age-appropriate discussions with their children on the subject of sex uniquely within marriage. Because of course children are human beings who will grow up to have sex themselves someday, they should learn about sex, and that sexual feelings are good, within the context of marriage – rather than discovering a derogatory version of sex in a way that steals their innocence and lures them down a dangerous path.
Hope for Healing Marriages Damaged by Pornography
Despite the damage porn addiction can do to marriage, divorce is not the only answer. There are many examples of couples who have overcome the addiction together with the help of their faith and church, and there are a multitude of resources available.
Understand that it will take time, patience and commitment from both spouses to rebuild trust and restore the relationship – and know that it can and has been done.
“The opposite of love is not hate but rather using a person, as if he or she were an object… To love others is to recognize them as the gift they are, to seek what is truly good and best for them, and never to use them and thereby objectify them as something less…” -- St. Pope John Paul II
“Learning to accept our body, to care for it and to respect its fullest meaning, is an essential element of any genuine human ecology.” – Pope Francis
Additional Resources
Restored Vows is a program that couples can work through together at home, led by a couple who have overcome their struggle with pornography and experienced God’s blessings of restored fertility and a family farm in Minnesota. Restored Vows | Covenant Eyes
Safe Haven Sunday is a program for dioceses and parishes that facilitates direct support for individuals and families affected by pornography with a dedicated weekend within the liturgical calendar. Safe Haven Sunday | Covenant Eyes
“Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography” is the official document from the USSCB and offers an in-depth treatment of the subject. Create-in-Me-a-Clean-Heart-Statement-on-Pornography.pdf (usccb.org)
The USCCB also offers several additional resources for individuals, parents and priests on their dedicated webpage, including prayers, support groups and internet filtering software. Help for Those Struggling with Pornography | USCCB
